What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:43
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We all went to grammer schools
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I was seconnd youngest,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was scared of men, in general
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Comes on , in middle age.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was in good health!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im still living with it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I will be 64.
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He knew the spot.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She found it foreign!.
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I said to her
So whats the point in blame.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!